film review · movie reviews · Uncategorized

Dale Dickey / James Lafferty / Dir: Eshom Nelms, Ian Nelms

The Possession of Michael King (2014)

(zero stars)

ok, so he carves a hexagram into his chest, then stitches it back up himself, then sticks a damn needle lengthwise into his finger and brags about how he can barely feel any of it.. but he whinces in pain when he takes a swig of vodka?  riiiiight.. makes sense..

Lost on Purpose (2013)

(zero stars)

i’ve been watching this garbage for half an hour, and i’m just counting down to the moment where this is over.. and then the screenplay hits us with a gem out of nowhere: James Lafferty: “why is it that the worst girls for us, are the ones that we’re most attracted to?”

can he be any more right about this? amen brutha..
another cryptic, but compelling line:

Jane Kaczmarek: “what do u mean u can’t shit in my milk? why the hell not??”

ok, look people- i love movies obviously or i wouldn’t be watching this sheer quantity of terrible movies.. and i love the idea of independent film (when done well).. but let’s talk about something here.. ~48mins in (in the convenience store), and the tamborine player in the cutoff shirt is handed a case of energy drinks by the brunette bimbo, and before he lays the case down on the counter, the store clerk announces “it’ll be $44.50”..

really? a split second earlier, he’s handed a 6-pack of smirnoff ice by the other chick, then he gets handed the 4-pack of energy drinks– and without ringing it up, without accounting for tax, without calculating anything, or even touching the register, the store clerk announces it’s $44.50.. so he just did all that math in his head, before he even knew what items they were purchasing, and before he can even finish putting it down on the counter, he knows the total price AND with tax?? come on man.. this is worth discussing.. this is just fucking laziness on the part of the actors (there’s 4 actors in this scene), and the director.. i’ll give the screenwriter a pass because he probably assumed (like a normal person) that the director would be like “hey let’s at least pretend that we’re ringing something up”..  this is fucking awful awful awful.. if u went into 7-11 and before u finished putting down your 8 items down on the counter, the cashier (without touching his cash register, or knowing in advance what the fuck you were buying) just blurted out a number- would u really pay that amount? just because he said it? without him even pretending he keyed it into the cash register? lazy ass moviemaking, and this movie fucking sucks… SUCKS!!!!!!!! SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS!!!! (sucks by the way)..  note to the directors (Eshom Nelms, Ian Nelms): at least pretend like you’re trying- even if you’re not trying, at least pretend.. pretend like this is an assignment and you’re going to get graded on it.. this is such fucking lazy movie making (and i’m very careful not to say filmmaking, because this is far from a fucking film).. lazy as fuck all around.. i should have been suspicious as soon as i saw 2 directors credited on this.. any time u see more than 1 director, u either have an antholy (which will fucking suck), or someone’s not good enough to direct a movie on their own- in this case this is the case of 2 lazy ass motherfuckers ( Eshom Nelms, Ian Nelms) who are wasting everyone’s time.. this fucking pisses me off to no end..  what’s the over/under on Eshom Nelms and Ian Nelms selling car insurance within 5 years?  no don’t bet, that’s a shitty fucking bet..
god, the more i watch this, the more it makes me lose faith in the independent movie circuit–  the cashier girl’s mexican bf is wearing the standard-issue mexican bandito garb: flanel button-up with only the very top button buttoned.. can u get any more fucking cliche than this? this shit is corny as fuck..
this movie fuckign sucks, which sucks even more because the 3rd entry into tonight’s cornetto is “Waffle Street (2015)”, which i only chose because it’s from the same directing duo retards, and stars both Dale Dickey and James Lafferty, as does this, giving it heavy cornetto continuity.. i went from being looking forward to the cornetto continuity, to dreading how awful “Waffle Street (2015)” is going to be.. oh lawd..

Waffle Street (2015)

(zero stars)

again, the retarded directing duo of Eshom Nelms and Ian Nelms strike with another fucking retarded scene.. before the boss is set to arrive, James Lafferty’s wipes down the same bottle of maple syrup for 30 seconds.. what the fuck man? your responsibility as a director is to make the shit look fucking plausible- not real, not likely- just plausible.. a guy wiping down a bottle of maple syrup aimlessly for more than 30 seconds isn’t something that occurs in the real world.. it’s never happened ever, yet it happens in this movie.. yes, it’s that kind of movie.. good god.. i deserve some sort of award for watching this fucking shit.. a trophy of some sort..
danny glover takes James Lafferty to the boxing gym after work– crazy coincidence that glover plays Mahershala Ali’s boxing coach in the music video for Jay-Z’s “Adnis”, released this year, 2 years after this was released..

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